Saturday, January 20, 2007

 

A Message From the Sponsor

Greetings Friends and Family:

Welcome to my marriage maintenance resource blog. First off I'm not married. Therefore, much of the insights and commentary here WILL NOT be coming from me. I'm posting up articles and powerful audio that I've found inspiring and compelling from seasoned ministers and authors on the subject of marriage and Christian relating. Being an unmarried person, why would I not devote a blog to single life maintenance? Well, this burden for holy marriages has come from 1) wanting desperately to see Christian marriages be noticeably DIFFERENT from the world we live in, 2) because I'm helping to bear very heavy loads of a few of my married close friends, and 3) my failed "faulty simulations" of marriage through the whole boyfriend-girlfriend experience. Hopefully, all this insight will serve as my best offense against a worldly minded marriage--should the Lord will that for me. This blog is meant to be a troubleshooting tool for friends, family, and passers by who are interested in the subject of marriage and desire to be provoked toward more Holiness in their marriages or just general relationships.

Therefore, you will find insights on submission, how to communicate, pornography, what a good marriage looks like, divorce/remarriage, married to an unbeliever, interracial marriage, and just being single men and women. In addition to the rich links and audio post below, there are about nine awesome articles by Chip Ingram I posted that you can print out and read during times of leisure. So scroll down and browse.

If your marriage is in trouble, I pray God intervene in a remarkable way, so as to heal it today! Enjoy all the articles posted below. But before you do, I'd like to share a poem I wrote recently inspired by some rich conversations I had with two friends. One friend about marriage and how I should not settle for what is common today in the "Christian Dating" scene and another who affirmed me with sentiments found in my poem:



HE WHO FINDS ME
Finally! God's woman is emerging from a selfish hearted girl
Those hurts and rejects designed by God to form and reveal the pearl
The diamond, the jewel He is fashioning me to be
Next time, brother must search the heart of God thoroughly to find me
Yep! That's where I am, that's where I'll be
Hidden in Him, at the right Hand, praying in concert with His praying
For the needs of His people, His agenda, His harvest of lives
Hoping the man seeking me understands God gives praying men prudent wives!
Cause next time there will be NO "trying me on" for size
And next time
this pursuer of mine
must search the heart God to find--------me
to ask for me, personally
For in the heart of God is where I am, that's where I'll be
Sowing seeds of repentance and obedience, loving Him back
reaping joy and delight, in Him, the safest place for me
--written Latisha Monique Grady (1/07)

Your Classmate
In Life
Tish

 

Links and Audio

There are very epiphany evoking insights at these sites please read and listen:

Latest Uploads:

Paul Washer on Dating and Biblical Manhood Parts 1 and 2 Click below

http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=61607212450

Are U Financially Ready To Get Married: http://boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001490.cfm

For Richer or For Poorer: http://boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001096.cfm

Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome (A Couple Restored From Adultery) Nancy Lee DeMoss

Click below and scroll down to the dates 2/5/07-2/9/07 (5 messages):

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Revive_Our_Hearts/archives.asp (

Is John Piper in Love With His Wife?:

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/45/1973_Is_Pastor_John_in_Love_with_His_Wife/

Staying Married Is Not About Staying In Love:

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/45/1966_Staying_Married_Is_Not_About_Staying_in_Love_Part_One/


THE MARRIED
Love and Respect: http://www.loveandrespect.com/

Listen Love and Respect Interview Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_This_Week/archives.asp?bcd=11/11/2006

Listen Love and Respect Interview Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_This_Week/archives.asp?bcd=11/18/2006

DNA of Relationships: http://www.dnaofrelationships.com/

Marriage Missions: http://marriagemissions.com/index.php

Listen To Hope Beyond I Do:
Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=12/26/2006

Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=12/27/2006

Part 3: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=12/28/2006

CHRISTIAN HUSBANDS
What Every Christian Husband Needs To Know: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/audio/conferences/national2004/05_20040925_mahaney.mp3

High Calling of Husbands Part1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Hope_For_Today/archives.asp?bcd=1/15/2007

High Calling of Husbands Part 2:http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Hope_For_Today/archives.asp?bcd=1/16/2007

Being Dependent In Marriage: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Pure_Sex_Radio/archives.asp?bcd=11/25/2006

CHRISTIAN WIVES
What Every Christian Wife Needs To Know: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/audio/conferences/national2004/06_20040925_carolyn.mp3

Submission Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Hope_For_Today/archives.asp?bcd=1/11/2007

Submission Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Hope_For_Today/archives.asp?bcd=1/12/2007

Married to an Unbeliever or Unrepentant Professing Christian
http://www.desiringgod.org/media/audio/1994/19940904.mp3

SEX AND MARRIAGE

Intimacy: http://www.cbmw.org/media/audio/conference/ram/A31SexualIntimacyInMarriage.ram

Money Killing Sexual Relations: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/audio/1981/19810215.mp3

THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE

Are U Financially Ready To Get Married: http://boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001490.cfm

For Richer or For Poorer: http://boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001096.cfm
Good Choice or God's Choice: http://marriagemissions.com/premarriage/Gods_choice.php

FOR THE SINGLE CHRISTIAN MAN & WOMAN
Affirming Goodness of Manhood and Womanhood in All of Life: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/audio/1989/19890625.mp3

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye: http://www.carolynmcculley.com/

We Are Not On Hold: Biblical Femininity for Single Women: Listen

Sole Femininity: http://solofemininity.blogs.com/

Sex and the Single Person: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/audio/1981/19810208.mp3

Men of Purity Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Pure_Sex_Radio/archives.asp?bcd=11/11/2006

Men of Purity Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Pure_Sex_Radio/archives.asp?bcd=11/18/2006

Pornography--Jared's Storey: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Pure_Sex_Radio/archives.asp?bcd=12/16/2006

Map Into A Woman's Heart
Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_This_Week/archives.asp?bcd=1/6/2007

Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_This_Week/archives.asp?bcd=1/13/2007

Map Into A Man's Mind
Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_This_Week/archives.asp?bcd=2007-1-20

INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE
Racial Harmony and Interracial Marriage:
Listen Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Desiring_God/archives.asp?bcd=1/17/2007

Listen Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Desiring_God/archives.asp?bcd=1/18/2007

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE

A Thoughtful Position Paper by John Piper: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/1986/1488_Divorce_and_Remarriage_A_Position_Paper/

Listen Part 1 Jim Shaddix: http://www.oneplace.com/Ministries/Hope_For_Today/?bcd=1/18/2007

Listen Part 2 Jim Shaddix: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Hope_For_Today/archives.asp?bcd=2007-1-19

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Part 1: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_with_Jim_Burns/archives.asp?bcd=1/16/2007

Part 2: http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/HomeWord_with_Jim_Burns/archives.asp?bcd=1/17/2007


Friday, January 19, 2007

 

Good Marriages DON'T Just Happen!

by Chip Ingram
It’s a sad fact, but many of our kids today don’t want to get married. They want everything that a good marriage provides—companionship, security, love, and intimacy—but they’re afraid to actually get married. Why? Because they’ve observed marriages around them and have decided that marriage just doesn’t work anymore.

And to a degree, they’re right. In California, where I was a pastor for 12 years, three out of five marriages end in divorce, and no one knows exactly how things are going in the other two. All around our kids today marriages are struggling and failing, and the result is a generation of kids who’ve become disillusioned about marriage.

But I am confident that the institution of marriage is not the problem. God created marriage; He ordained it, and it is still the best possible relationship for a man and woman to enter into.
So what’s the problem? Why do so many marriages fail? And what can you do to ensure that your marriage is the exception—the marriage that really works?

To explain, I’d like you to think for just a moment about automobiles. Imagine that you don’t know much about cars, but you walk onto a car lot and purchase a brand-new vehicle and drive it home. At first you’re thrilled with it, but after a few months it stops working. Why? Because you failed to provide some of the basic things every car needs to operate properly. A car needs gas to keep it going and antifreeze to cool the engine. Moving parts need to be lubricated. It needs periodic tune-ups and general maintenance to keep it running smoothly, and there has to be a place to take it when it breaks down.

Fortunately, most new car owners understand those basic concepts before they even drive off the lot. But many new marriages don’t begin with that same level of understanding about what’s needed to make them work. Good marriages don’t just happen. Every marriage requires effort, and there are a few basic elements that every marriage—no matter how well it starts out—is going to need in order to keep going.

First, every good marriage needs commitment. Commitment is a lifelong choice of unconditional love. It’s a decision to love someone forever, no matter what.
That’s the gas that gets a marriage going and keeps it going. Without it, you cannot develop the vulnerability, openness, and intimacy that are integral parts of a good marriage, for there is the constant fear that tomorrow your partner will be gone. Don’t let your marriage run out of gas! Don’t allow divorce to even be considered as an option. Let your spouse know often that no matter what, you will be there. And in the security of that commitment, your marriage can grow.

Second, a good marriage needs communication. Communication is the lifelong challenge of learning to understand each other. And it’s not just the words you use—it’s also the way you look at a person, your body language, and your tone of voice. Communication is the sum total of your entire being that gets transmitted to the other person with a message. And real communication only occurs when what’s in your heart, mind, and soul reaches the heart, mind, and soul of the other person. Communication is like a lubricant in your relationship. It helps keep your rough edges from grating on each other, and it helps cool you down when your emotions start heating up.

Third, a good marriage needs companionship. Companionship is the lifelong adventure of friendship. It’s a continuation of what you did in courtship. It’s dating, walking and talking together, and sharing common interests. Companionship is what keeps your marriage running smoothly. The joy of companionship is what compels a working spouse to come home early rather than work late. It’s a desire to be with your partner—to do things together. And in being together and working together you learn about each other. You discover things you otherwise wouldn’t have known, and that knowledge allows you to make adjustments—a tune-up of sorts—that deepens your love for each other.

Fourth, a good marriage needs a commission. A commission is a God-given vision to accomplish something in your lives together that is bigger than you are. It’s a project, a goal, or a mission that goes beyond you and your spouse. It’s a dream of serving others in a way that neither of you could accomplish on your own. And as you minister together, a loving bond will be forged between you. You will grow closer to each other, and you will discover that there is real joy in serving others as a couple.

Finally, a good marriage needs counsel. No matter how good your marriage is, there will be times when it breaks down. You’ll say something you shouldn’t have said, you’ll have a misunderstanding, you’ll get stuck in a rut, or you’ll encounter a problem that overwhelms you.
When that happens, you need to be willing to get help. You can go to God, read His Word, seek the advice of a trusted brother or sister in Christ, or pursue professional Christian counseling.
And there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed about seeking assistance. Just like in driving a car, everyone at some time gets stuck on the side of the road. You may just need a little help to fix a tire or charge a battery and then you can go on. Just ensure that you are seeking wise, godly counsel—lest your problem become worse rather than better.

I sincerely hope that these insights will encourage you, whether you’re currently married or considering marriage someday. Marriages today can work, and they can be great.
And with a little well-directed effort on your part, your marriage can be the exception—the marriage that thrives for a lifetime!


Excerpted from EdgeNotes, the bi-monthly newsletter of Living on the Edge; based on the series Broken Hearts, Broken Dreams. Used with permission. Copyright 2004 by Chip Ingram. All rights reserved. About the author: Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry.

 

Looking For Love

by Chip Ingram

Wouldn't it be great if, starting today, you could take some positive steps toward that deep relationship you've always wanted? Let's take a look at two opposing models for achieving a loving, lasting bond with another person.
First, there's the model we're all familiar with, the one that's as old as Lawrence Olivier, as current as Ally McBeal. It's Hollywood's model.

Hollywood Says:
  1. Find the right person
  2. Fall in love
  3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment
  4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, 3.

The premise of this formula is clear: if you fail, you must not have found the right person. Much like a bottle cap sweepstakes game, if you don't win ... sorry! Try again. How well does it work? You and I both know the answer to that. The divorced population is the fastest growing marital category in the US, and the fallout is huge.

The impact of fractured relationships on children, the anguish, the hurt, the emotional wounds, not to mention the economic impact on both parties, is painfully obvious. Now let's move to another perspective, and take a look at the model created by the One who thought up relationships in the first place.

God Says:"Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Eph. 5:1-2

First, there's a command. Be imitators of God. What does this look like? For a more detailed picture, let's start a few verses back, at chapter 4:31-32. Here we have instructions for putting on a new life in Christ as we relate to others. Get rid of attitudes that tear down and hurt, Paul says. Treat each other as God treated you when He extended His endless supply of grace and forgiveness to you, even at great cost to himself. Is the focus here on finding the right person? Is it about molding someone else into the person you want them to be? No.

The Key to a Right Relationship is Not Finding the Right Person, But Becoming the Right Person.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, in their book, Relationships, outline what they call "The Compulsion for Completion." "If you attempt to build intimacy with another person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the wholeness that you lack and end in disaster." (Relationships, p. 20)

In other words, if our identity is not secure in Christ, if we are still looking to others to make us feel secure, complete or "okay," our relationships will never be healthy and strong. This is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to understand. Contrary to the pop philosophy of Jerry McGuire, the most romantic thing you can say to someone is not "you complete me." If you must be completed by another person, you will find that whatever they have to give you will never be enough. Only God, through His Son and through the Holy Spirit, can provide what each of us need to be complete. When we are whole and secure in Him, then we can approach a relationship in a healthy way.

Next comes the command for how we are to relate to one another.
Walk in love. Notice Paul doesn't say, "fall in love." He's talking about an intentional, sacrificial love that wills and acts what is best for its object.

God's way is very hard, but it's very effective. He tells us to:

  1. Become the right person (mimic God)
  2. Walk in love
  3. Fix your hope on God and seek to please Him through this relationship.
  4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
Failure will occur. When it does, the question must be: "Am I being who I should be? Am I walking in love?" It's not time to give up; it's time to go back to square one.
Here is a crucial point. The goal of relationships is not fulfillment and self-actualization. It's not about discovering yourself, filling your need, meeting your desire. The goal of relationships is to please God.

Right relationship with Him is food for our soul, and wherever else we will search, we will ultimately find that nothing else satisfies. The beautiful byproduct, when we are pleasing him in our horizontal relationships, will be deeper intimacy than you ever imagined. You don't have to be a statistic. You don't have to be afraid to make a commitment. There is a supernatural way to do relationships that will leave a legacy of faith. The price tag is too high, the risk too great, to do it Hollywood's way.


Used with permission. Copyright 2002 by Chip Ingram. All rights reserved.
About the author: Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry.

 

Love Is A Verb--Act On It--And Be Happy

Note: These are general relational insights that apply to the Body at large. I post it in this marriage context because married couples should first see themselves in relation to one another as siblings, royalty in Christ. I believe that couples operating from this default first will further strengthen their marriages. Also, I post this because these sentiments are extremely close to my heart. What Chip says below is what I preach and strive to have with all believers as I've become keenly aware that this is God's heart. I've been convicted by God (and is now very committed) to opening myself up to the joys and conflicts that come along with loving without hipocracy and with brotherly affection. Chip took these words right out of my heart and mouth. I'm encouraged that other believers are believing such relating is possible. Alhough often times such relating is a turn-off to many because of the complexities that often arise. If they only understood that the rewards, once hearts connect, is well worth it! I pray I can be so concise in my communicating and practicing of these principles in the future.-- Tish

By Chip Ingram

Have you ever had something really great or really terrible happen and not been able to share it with anyone? I think one of the most emotional moments in my life was the birth of our third child. Theresa and I went through 27 hours of labor together and our son's heart rate nearly stopped with every contraction. The final hours were filled with tension and we gave our son back to God before he was born. Doctors stood ready to do emergency surgery as we prayed, sweated, and hoped.

Hours later, my newborn son was placed in my arms, and I held him in awe and joy and disbelief. Then I got on my knees on that linoleum floor and cried and thanked God.
But there was no one there to share it with. Theresa was exhausted and had been taken to recover in her room. I was overwhelmed with emotion and joy and relief, but alone... all alone. Then an Elder of my church showed up. He came and gave me the biggest bear hug, and said, "Come on and tell me all about it."

We went to a greasy spoon and I must have talked for two straight hours and he just listened. He loved me. He entered into my pain as I recounted my fears and struggles, and then shared in my joy. Isn't that what happiness is all about in relationships? Thinking of others, entering into their lives and sharing. Aren't your best memories and happiest moments times like I've just described?

Of course, thinking of and feeling for others is only the beginning. The focal point of the entire command is action: Love as brothers. Be devoted in brotherly love. We are to do for others what we would do for a close member of our own family. Let me paint a brief hypothetical word picture. Suppose my sister, who lives in Kentucky, called me from the San Francisco airport in the middle of the night, and said, "Hey Chip, I'm really sorry, I know it's 2:30 in the morning, but I have to be at a nursing convention at 9:00, and I really need to talk to you. I hope you aren't mad!" I would say, "Mad? I'll pick you up for breakfast."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't really like to get up at 2:30 in the morning and drive to San Francisco, but she's my sister. I love her. You see, right thinking and emotional engagement is important, but without "action," it's nothing! You see, the promise given in I Peter isn't about some kind of rearrangement of our mental categories in order to obtain an emotional lift. It's a prescription for a kind of living that brings our whole lives under the blessedness of God's hand upon our lives.

Do you want to be happy? Then think of others, feel deeply, and then act. Love people, be a blesser, do whatever would build up the life of another person. Then you will see an amazing thing start to happen – you'll be happy, even if your circumstances aren't the best. In fact, the people to whom Peter wrote this passage were being slandered, they were getting unjust treatment as slaves, and some of their marriages were falling apart. Peter wanted them to understand that thinking of others, feeling deeply for them and acting to meet their needs would result in a byproduct of happiness that would overwhelm their lives.

Many times when I'm in difficult circumstances, instead of being other-centered, I tend to get focused on me – my world, my fears, my calendar, my pain, and my problems. It's natural to do so... but this introspection suffocates the happiness in my heart. The fact is, I've learned that turning my focus on others can actually improve my circumstances.

How about you? Why not do a good deed for at least one person, seven days in a row beginning today, and see what God does to increase the "happiness quotient" in your heart?


Excerpted from the booklet, Rediscovering the Lost Art of Being Happy, by Chip Ingram. Used with permission. Copyright 1999, by Chip Ingram. All rights reserved. About the author: Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry.

 

Building Relationships That Bond

by Chip Ingram

The relationships in our lives are continually changing. Kids grow older, parents enter new phases of life, friends and spouses respond to the challenges around them. If we aren't careful, we can miss important moments, opportunities to build relationships that bond.
Here are a few principles to get you started:

Unconditional love:There are many ways to communicate unconditional love, but one of the most powerful is through our words. Your kids and those you love need to love need to hear often, verbally, "I love you ..." especially when they have disappointed you. They need to hear very clearly that their value to you is not dependant on their behavior, that no matter what they do or how they act, you will love them. Without exception.

Scheduled time:We talk a lot in our culture about the difference between "quality time" and "quantity time." The truth is, we need both to build relationships that bond, and both require intentional planning. That which gets written into our schedules is that which we will really do. Sit down and decide who really matters in your life and schedule time in with them first, before work and other obligations take over.

Focused attention:Psychologists tell us that there are few things that communicate love more powerfully than when we are actually present when we are with people. The classic opposite of this is the dad who can't stop watching the Cowboys and the Rams long enough to find out how his son's day went. Or the mom who keeps one eye on a magazine article while her teenage daughter talks about her life at school. Relationships just can't thrive this way! As a personal discipline I try to block everything and everyone else out when I am with someone I love. Focused attention is important. When you're with people, be there. It will pay huge dividends.

Eye contact: If you want someone to believe you, to listen to you, to feel listened to, look them in the eyes. If you want your children to feel valued and important, get down on one knee and talk to them eye-to-eye.

Meaningful touch: During the Second World War a classic study on this subject was done in a European orphanage where the infant death rate was astronomically high. In an attempt to reverse the horrible trend, researchers scheduled nurses to hold and touch the babies on a regular basis. The results were amazing, as the infants responded to loving touch by clinging to life. God created us with a need to give and receive love through all five of the senses. When your children are small, dads, it's important that you wrestle with them. When your little girls become preteens and teens, don't stop hugging them! That appropriate, affirming touch from you offers security, and communicates love, appreciation, and fondness.

Ongoing communication: Notice the word is "communication," not "talking." As most kids will tell you, people hate to be lectured to, but they love to be listened to. Communication is the "meeting of meaning," not just talking. The only way communication happens is when you both ask questions and listen - not only for the words, but for what's behind the words.
Spontaneous Fun:Loving has to do with high intentionality, and planning. But it also requires cutting loose, goofing off, playing games, going out to eat ... doing a few impractical things. Life can't be about staying on a rigid schedule, sticking to the plan, eating vegetables and whole grains all the time! Just give yourself freedom, the permission to spontaneously have fun, and laugh!

Prayer time together: There is a focus here of regular, intentional time when we can get honest, bringing both needs and praises to God. As my family has grown older, we've designated every Wednesday night after supper as our prayer time. We clear the table, and each family member writes a specific prayer request on a 3x5 card. We exchange them, and then pray for one another. We usually also give thanks for one special thing. We've made it a point to keep prayer in the lifeblood of our family.

The people God has placed in our lives are His gifts to us. I hope these reminders will serve to help you along on your way to strong, healthy relationships with those you love.


Excerpted from EdgeNotes, the bimonthly newsletter of Living on the Edge. Used with permission. Copyright 2002 by Chip Ingram. All rights reserved. View and download complete issues of EdgeNotes. About the author: Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry.

 

Marriage and the "S" Word

by Chip Ingram

Every relationship, every business, every home has a leader. As modern and egalitarian as we profess to be, we can't escape the fact that there is a leader in every relational structure. Who is it in your home? If you aren't sure, consider these five questions:

1. Who initiates spiritual growth in your home? 2. Who handles the money? 3. Who disciplines the children when both of you are home?4. Who initiates talking about problems, future plans and areas to develop?5. Who asks the most questions in your home and who gives the most statements?

Did your answers surprise you? What did your answers tell you about the leadership of your home, and what do you think about it? My point, quite simply, is that in every relationship "the buck" stops somewhere. Leaders are those who initiate, who encourage, who make sure that what needs to be done really gets done at the end of the day. They are responsible.

It doesn't mean they do it all, or even do it their way; it does mean they look ahead, plan, gather the family to talk through issues, make sure the bills get paid on time (regardless of who actually writes the checks) and provide benevolent oversight to the needs of the family.

In most homes, this weight falls to the woman by default. Feminism's message of "exert your rights," combined with passive males who are more than willing to sit in the recliner while the woman carries the weight, is at the core of much marital dissatisfaction. Men, the scriptures teach you are to be strong and gentle servant-leaders. But for men to lead, women must do one of the most fearful and difficult things in their lives … let them. What does this look like? The Bible calls it submission.

The woman voluntarily chooses to submit; this type of submission cannot be forced.
The way the word "submission" is used here implies a willful choosing on the wife's part. She lives a life that states, "Out of obedience to God and love for my husband, I choose to do follow my husband's lead." When a husband fulfills his role, his wife can confidently submit to his leadership. Any good leader knows that bullying and coercion don't motivate followers. A husband who is a good leader will make his wife feel safe, protected, developed. She will know that she has incredible freedom, that all of her thoughts, energy and gifts are being used in the relationship.

If she doesn't feel this way, the problem is in leadership, not in role appointment. A husband who demands authority and obedience, wielding his power as a weapon against his family is neither in submission to Christ nor a good leader. Great leaders, be they husbands or presidents, have people lining up to follow them because they serve people well — but they serve them by leading. A woman's greatest fulfillment and joy will be achieved in embracing God's design.

Within the marriage relationship, true joy is not found in autonomy, but in mutual submission and dependence on God. In spite of how the women's movement has benefited women in the workplace, it has short-changed them in the home by relegating the natural, God-given desire for motherhood to a secondary position, and by encouraging women to think, act and live totally independently of their marriage partners.

This does not mean that a woman must have children in order to be fulfilled. True fulfillment for each of us, both men and women, comes only through an abiding relationship with Christ.
And it does not mean that a woman doesn't need to have an identity apart from her husband, and apart from her children – on the contrary, she needs to bring to these relationships a healthy, whole, complete person, sure of her own standing before God and her relationship with Him. Codependence does not strengthen the family unit any more than a workaholic father does.

It means, rather, that in this wholeness, this strength, she must willingly, continually set aside her defiant independence and join with her husband in submission to the Choreographer. As husband and wife join together with the higher goal of honoring God, they are free to experience the incredible, inexplicable joy He offers to those who put Him first. This is God's design for true fulfillment in marriage.

Excerpted from the booklet, Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, by Chip Ingram. Used with permission. Copyright 2000, by Chip Ingram. All rights reserved. About the author: Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry. Walk Thru the Bible was founded in 1976 and is based in Atlanta, GA.
Tuesday, May 28, 2002

 

Husbands Love Your Wives

Husbands, Love Your Wives
by Chip Ingram

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.”Ephesians 5:25-26 The last part of this verse is a picture of what happened at salvation, the regeneration. The church came to Christ by the word. This word is rhema rather than logos. It presents the idea that Christ loved the church radically, died on the cross, and rose from the dead. When the gospel is preached through the spoken word, people come to Christ. When people come to Christ they are “born again;” they become holy. God in Christ wanted to draw us to Himself but He wanted to make us like Him. Christ’s purpose in cleansing the church was to present her to himself as a radiant church. The ultimate goal wasn’t just to save the church but to make her radiant, glorious and beautiful so that she could reach her full potential.

Men, this is God’s model for what we are to do for our wives. Make her radiant, make her glorious, lead in such a way that she is lifted up, so that what we do causes her to be enhanced in beauty, freedom, and the development of her gifts. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:28. We ought to love our wives as part of ourselves. Every time you hurt your wife, you hurt yourself. Every time you are selfish and want your own way, you hurt yourself along with your bride. He who loves his wife loves himself.

This is a strong command, but it also has great rewards. When you learn to lead in such a way that makes following a delight, “submission” won’t be even be an issue in your house.
Paul goes on to say in verse 29, “After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds, and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” The application is that we need to be devoted to our wives and provide for them emotionally, spiritually, and physically. This means “to provide for the development of and to attain the health of.” That’s what we are to do as men. Not only feed, but care for. Not just provide for, but cherish. The word “care” literally means to keep warm, to protect. How do you keep your wife warm? How do you keep the flame burning? How do you live with her in such a sensitive way that the light keeps glowing brightly? We do it as Christ loved the church, for we are members of His body.

So men, the command is not hard to understand, but it’s tremendously hard to do. It is to love your wife unconditionally. Christ’s purpose was to secure the bride of Christ for himself and to bring the church to full development. Our purpose in loving our wives is to help them become all God designed them to be. You don’t love her in order to get your way, you don’t love her to eliminate hassles, you don’t love her in such a way that everything is calm all the time. You love her so that she is able to be, in every way, what God designed her to be.

What Does This Mean?
Husbands must love sacrificiallyLove your wife in a way that cost you something significant and precious. Don’t love her with leftovers. On one occasion I walked out of the middle of an NBA All Star Game, right at the half-time slam-dunk contest, because I was sensing a prompting from God that Theresa needed to know that she mattered more than the game. It sounded little, but it was a big deal for me.

I said, “Hey, honey, you want to go get a cup of coffee and take a walk, just talk?”
She looked at me, “Isn’t that the NBA All Star Game with Michael Jordan?”
“Yes.”
“Are you kidding?”
“No.”
And then she just beamed.

Have you ever had your wife call you at work with a problem, when you could just sense her desperation? I don’t mean that I run home all the time, but there have been times that I could tell, just from the tone of her voice, that this was serious. Those are the times I tell her I’ll be home in a minute, and I am. Appointments can be rescheduled, but that moment can’t be.
There are times when we need to communicate to our wives that they are more important than work, more important than hobbies, more important than us, more important than the kids. They matter most. We need to let them know that we are willing to sacrifice the most precious things we have: time, energy and money for them. It will produce a tremendous security and joy, in the long run, for both of you.

Husbands must love their wives intentionally
We are to help our wives develop. We talk a lot about discipleship in the church today, but the number-one person you need to disciple as a mutual co-heir of God’s grace is your wife. Of course, you will really be discipling each other, but the point is that it needs to be done. Take the initiative to study with, pray with, and talk with your wife.

Some of you men are great at creating business plans. You visualize the target, establish a goal, and organize a strategy to meet that goal. When was the last time you considered your wife’s growth and development with that same intentionality? Have you thought about how God might want her to grow, and what plans you might need to make, what time you might have to block off, in order to help her develop in those areas?

I remember about eighteen years ago we were in seminary and were having difficulty regularly keeping up with all the friends we’d left behind, so Theresa wrote a one-page Christmas letter. I remember picking it up and reading it, and saying, “Honey, did you write this?”
She said yes, and I asked her if she had seen it in a magazine. “No,” she said with a smile.
“Honey, you are good! You can say more in one page than I can say in four. It’s clear, it’s theological, and it’s tender. You’ve got a gift here.” “Well of course you’d say that,” she said, “you are my husband.”

But from that day on I decided I was going to come up with a plan to help my wife use and develop her communication skills. We read books on it, discussed it, and whenever she had a chance to speak in front of fifteen women, I encouraged her to do it. She was almost always nervous about it, but I would encourage her. The fruit of that, eighteen years later, is that my wife is a wonderful writer and a strong communicator. The only thing she ever lacked was confidence, not the gift.

What is it that your wife does well? What would happen if you got on her team and told her you want to help her become all that God wants her to be? That’s what it means to love with 'intentionality.' Husbands need to love their wives with sensitivityThis is where those little phrases “care for her, cherish her, keep her warm, nourish her spiritual, emotional and physical needs” come into play. Wives, you have no idea how hard this is for us as men to do.
We don’t even know what you need sometimes – things like talking, listening, going on dates, planning weekends away, don’t come naturally to many of us. But if we’ve learned anything of value from this past decade, it’s the value of the strong, sensitive, tender man. We’ve exchanged John Wayne for Mel Gibson, and in terms of romantic role models, we’ve traded up.

What it doesn’t mean:
It doesn’t mean you always do what your wife wantsYou don’t always do what she wants; you do what she needs. I wrote that on a three-by-five card one time because I was having such a hard time holding to it. It’s so much easier, and feels so much better, short term, to simply please her. But if pleasing her is not in step with our Lord, the Choreographer’s, design, it’s not the right thing to do. I’ve had to tell my wife, “No, our son can’t go to the prom. We set the rules and conditions and he broke them.”

It doesn’t mean you don’t have a life of your own. The point here is not to add fifteen or twenty hours to your week. You should not abandon all hope of having a life of your own; you’ve still got to work out a couple of times a week, have some male friends. “Loving sacrificially” doesn’t mean you never see another football game.

It doesn’t mean that you make her dependent on you.
She needs a life of her own. Maybe she needs to take some risks, to get out there and do some things, and you need to encourage her in that. Don’t smother her. Remember, it’s about dancing together and being so in tune with the divine Choreographer that you just make it easy for your partner to follow.


Excerpted from the booklet, Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, by Chip Ingram. Used with permission. Copyright 2000, by Chip Ingram. All rights reserved. About the author: Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry.

 

How To Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words

How to “Share Hearts” Instead of “Exchange Words”
by Chip Ingram

Communication is the highway upon which love travels. If there are potholes and barriers in our line of communication, our love doesn’t reach its target and relationships suffer. There’s an old myth that says if two people love each other, the successful marriage will just happen - it will be natural. But that’s a lie!

There’s nothing natural about good communication, good intimacy, or good relationships. On the contrary, good communication is learned. The great thing is, God’s Word shares all the guidelines we need to open our highways of communication and keep them clutter-free.

What is Communication?

Before I introduce five power points for better communication, let me preface this article by quoting Norm Wright, who says, “Communication is the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities…It’s the process of sharing yourself verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can both accept and understand what you’re saying.”

Researchers tell us that the words we speak only make up about seven percent of the communication process. Real communication is seven percent words, thirty-eight percent tone of voice, and fifty-five percent non-verbal (facial expression, gesture, posture).
There are at least five major levels of communication. Level one is cliché conversation—“How’s it going? Fine. See you later.” Level two is reporting facts—“Are you going to pick up the kids? Yes. I’ll be home at five.” Level three is ideas and judgments—“What do you think about that? Let me get your opinion on this.” Level four is where we go deeper; it’s about feelings and emotions, and it’s here that true growth begins to happen. Level five goes even beyond sharing emotions to wide open communication, mutual understanding, and total honesty.

This is where we unzip our hearts, put them out on the table, and share everything. (Men often have a difficult time with these last two levels, because we’re led to believe we shouldn’t show our emotions.) How much time are you spending with your spouse in levels four and five? As a couple, or even among close friends, intimacy does not occur unless levels four and five occur. These levels appear “dangerous” because they open us up to pain, risk, fear, and vulnerability. But they can be deeply fulfilling.

Been Burned Before?
If you’ve opened up in the past, only to be burned, you’re probably tensing up and crossing your arms right now, saying, “I’m not going there...this didn’t work for me before.” But let me suggest that the reason it may not have worked is because we haven’t done it God’s way. Let’s open up the Bible to Ephesians 4 and look at five key ways we can open up the communication highway in a way that is safe, effective, and fulfilling.

STEP 1 – BE HONEST
“But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up into all aspects unto Him, who is the head, even Christ…Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” (Ephesians 4:15,25) The principle is—speak the truth in love. It may be easy to tell the truth and it may be easy to be loving, but it’s often difficult to do both—to speak the truth in love. Let me give you a skill that will help you do this: make direct requests.

If you’re a lady and you want to go for a drive or a bike ride with your husband, don’t say, “It’s a beautiful day. The sun’s out. It’s nice walking weather.” You didn’t ask for anything (and we men are too dense to get your hint)! Here’s how to make a direct request: “Honey, I would like to take a walk with you this afternoon. Would you be willing to do that with me between one and two?” Before you men start yelling, “Preach it, Chip,” let me say that the same goes for you! If you’re in the mood for love, don’t tell you wife she smells good or looks nice in that dress. You haven’t made a direct request. Instead, you may try something like this: “You look very attractive and I don’t know what you have planned for this evening, but I would really enjoy getting together with you tonight…” You get the picture.

STEP 2 – DEAL WITH ANGER
“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26)
The principle is, deal with anger appropriately. Be angry, but don’t sin. Philip says, “If you are angry, be sure that it’s not out of wounded pride or a bad temper. Never go to bed angry. Don’t give the devil that sort of a foot hold.” See, most of us have learned not to deal with our anger. We stuff it, we leak it, and it oozes out and sabotages our relationships.

Anger is one of the most destructive emotions in the world, but God has positive uses for it, at times. The command is to be angry, but not let the sun go down on it—don’t let it turn to bitterness and sin; deal with it in a way that doesn’t harm your mate or your relationship.
At one time in our marriage, Theresa was upset because I was often late for dinner. Under control, she said, “Honey, I feel very hurt and angry when I spend hours preparing a meal to communicate how much I love you, and you repeatedly come home late and miss it, you’re communicating to me that you must not love me.” I got the message and changed.

STEP 3 – BE DILIGENT
“Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need.” (Ephesians 4:28) Be willing to work hard on your relationships. That’s what Theresa and I have decided. We try to schedule things on our calendar that will enrich our marriage. For instance, we try to block off at least fifteen minutes a day to simply connect, catch up, and talk. We also try to get out on a date once a week. And, I believe it’s important for you and your spouse to get away on an overnight trip two or three times a year. It’s tempting to steal from the time that our marriages deserve, even pouring it into our kids, our work, our hobbies, our homes, and such. But God says, “Don’t do that.” Work hard on your relationships. Be diligent. Don’t take shortcuts, because there’s no product without the process.

STEP 4 – KEEP IT POSITIVE
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29) The word “unwholesome” is a picture of spoiled meat or fruit. That’s what unwholesome talk is—ugly, smelly, good-for-nothing. Don’t wound with your words. Speak at the right time, in the right way, and allow God to use your words to help others.
In your relationships, use words that build up, not break down. That means no labeling, no yelling, no screaming, and no unwholesome words; no saying, “You’re just like your mother.” “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (James 1: 19). Please, write that verse down, memorize it, and ask God to help you learn to think before you speak.

STEP 5 – BE QUICK TO FORGIVE
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32) What’s wrong with being the first to say you’re sorry? That’s God’s way. Be kind to one another, be understanding, be quick to forgive. That’s where real maturity and love show themselves. Let’s put it this way—do we want God to wait until we get our act together to forgive us? No! In the same way, Christ has forgiven you, so you should be quick to forgive others.

FATHER, HELP US
As you consider what Ephesians has to say about communication, pray that God will give you courage, grace, and an attitude of excitement as you commit as a couple to put into practice the things we’ve reviewed. Until next time, keep pressin’ ahead!
Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry. To learn more about Walk Thru the Bible, please visit our web-site at www.walkthru.org

 

GOOD MARRIAGES LOOK LIKE...?

The Importance of Knowing What a Good Marriage Looks Like
by Chip Ingram

I really want your marriage to beat the odds. Rather than becoming another divorce statistic – or even being among the relationships that are just barely holding it together – I want your marriage to be a great one that lasts for a lifetime. I want to give you the information you need to make your marriage not only survive but thrive. And I want to start by making certain you have a clear understanding of what a good marriage looks like.

Why? Because I am convinced that one of the primary reasons so many marriages fail today is that couples enter into marriage without a clear picture of what a good marriage looks like, or how it works. For many couples, marriage is like being locked in a room with 15,000 puzzle pieces and no picture to guide them as they try to fit them together. So, if they’re patient and diligent, they might be able to find the corners and get the border put together but without a clear picture of the end product, their situation is pretty hopeless.

It doesn’t have to be this way. God has provided a clear picture of what marriage should look like. So, even if you and your spouse have a multitude of pieces in front of you, with a clear understanding of God’s design, you can succeed in putting them together to create a beautiful marriage.

So, what exactly is God’s design for marriage? I believe God gives a very simple outline of His plan when He brings Adam and Eve together in the very first marriage. In Genesis 2:24, God says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” In this verse, God says the goals of marriage is “oneness,” or intimacy with your spouse, but that “oneness” won’t happen if you cling to parents rather than to each other. To become one with your spouse, both of you must separate emotionally, physically, and economically from your parents. You must learn to leave.

Then, as you break from your parents, you must learn to cleave to each other. You need to forge a bond between the two of you that nothing can separate – not even your own selfish desires. You must learn to view all of life through a “we” and an “us” perspective rather than having an “I” and a “me” attitude. You must begin putting your spouse’s interests ahead of your own, God’s design for marriage has no room for self-centeredness.

Finally, after cleaving you become one flesh. Note that it doesn’t say you are one flesh as if it just happens, but that you become one flesh. That’s because becoming one flesh is a multi-step process. The first step is growing together spiritually. Each of you must draw closer to God to gain His strength and wisdom for your marriage. Then you grow together socially as you have fun and enjoy life together. Next you grow together emotionally as you share your deepest thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And, finally, you grow together physically as an act of love reflecting that all of these other steps toward oneness are occurring.

I hope this image of marriage as a combination of leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh helps you start to see how the pieces of your relationship fit together, but this is just a brief sketch of what God’s design for marriage looks like. And whether you’re married or considering marriage someday, I pray that God will bless you in your relationships and that someday you will enjoy all the riches of a great marriage that lasts for a lifetime!

Chip Ingram is President of Walk Thru the Bible in Atlanta, GA, and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge, a national radio ministry. Walk Thru the Bible partners with the local church worldwide to teach God’s Word in relevant ways for lasting life change. To fulfill this mission, Walk Thru the Bible creates and distributes high quality, award-winning resources in a variety of formats, helping individuals “walk thru” the Bible with greater clarity and understanding. Walk Thru the Bible seminars are taught in over 45 languages by more than 50,000 men and women in over 90 countries; Living on the Edge radio ministry broadcasts on more than 800 radio outlets reaching nearly one million listeners a week; and more than 100 million devotionals have been packaged into daily magazines, books and other publications that reach over five million people each year. To learn more about Walk Thru the Bible, please visit our web-site at www.walkthru.org

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